Decision

Today we were faced with making a decision on where we go with the UCSF procedure. Originally we thought we would have longer, but after a 45 minute conference call with Dr. Harrison we found that time was of the essence. The plan presented was for us Becky to go to UCSF Monday, have testing performed, meet with the 20 other Doctors on Tuesday, receive a prognosis for success, and have surgery performed on Thurs @ 1pm.

After reviewing our notes from all of our Doctors, we have come to the conclusion that we will not have the UCSF procedure done. Though this decision by far was the hardest we have ever made, it was not made without shedding many tears. The decision to go or stay is one that is terrible either way.

If we go we risk pre-term labor. If this operation led to JJ being born early then it would not prove effective in giving him the best chance. Every premature baby has some issue that requires some extra handling. In JJ's case the best situation is the least amount of handling. We also risk Becky using more than the amount of time she can be off from work under FMLA. Becky and I would like to be present when JJ has surgery or if his outcome is bleak we would like to be there till the end. To run the risk of losing her position or income could substantially hurt us in the long run with JJ's care. Becky does not need anymore added stress than what she is already experiencing. Becky has arranged for the best possible care that is available (confirmed by Dr. Harrison). The surgical procedure would only act to improve the length of time JJ would need ECMO and other treatments. It had no true effect on survivability. JJ could be born in San Francisco and Becky would have a limited support system.
Our 30 day stay could turn into months.

If we stay we may have not given JJ every effort to make his life start off better. We run the risk of always looking back on this decision and saying we made the wrong choice. JJ could end up being on life supportive measures so long that he would develop brain, lung, or heart damage. Proper care from the beginning becomes imperative as every second will matter.

We live in a world of "what ifs". Though it is natural for us to always question "what if", sometimes too many "what ifs" become more overwhelming than what one can handle. Going to San Fran would be a radical and aggressive move full of its "what ifs". Staying here is a more conservative treatment filled with its own "what ifs". Sometimes having the fewest number of "what ifs" brings you more comfort. This proved to be one of those times.

Though we still have a window to change our mind. I will say that tonight we go to bed with much on our mind, maybe a good nights sleep could bring a different perspective. But I leave that "what if" till another day. Please keep us in your prayers as they have delivered us to where we are today, and they will be needed to deliver us to better days.